Hey there's no reason to fight.

You have your own vote, so just vote to yourself. No need for hostility.

Politics always seem to divide when they should bring people together, to consensus.


I made a babyroket.

I can feel my ceramic keys oiling up.

They're rubbing their perfect textures together.

oh it's a nice feeling, such a mice contrast to having to pay $500 to withdraw from a course.

What is love? love for yourself, for another, for your family, for what you do, what you have, who you are? How do you know you have it? is it tangible?

Sometimes there's a perfect opportunity to examine just that. It's in those few twilight hours that you and someone else have just for each other. Nothing else is on your mind except what or who is right in front of you. It's these moments when one minute can last for an eternity, it seems.

For myself I can't help but over-analyze every single thought process that runs through my mind.

What of myself do I have to give up for what I love? and how can I be so sure of love in itself?

Sometimes it feels like I'm looking down at myself on the autopsy table, chest wide open, everything leaving. Passion, drive, will, light.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The most important thing I have, the only thing that's truly mine, and I'm treating it like an etch-a-sketch. Everything I do is never good enough to last, and when it is, I can't help but give up on it before it gives up on me.

I'm afraid of committing to going nowhere, and it's the only place I know how to get to.

I remember when I was a kid, there was a mean, old man who lived down the street. One summer, we had a frog invasion because of the floods, and while my friends and I were trying to save as many as possible, he brought out his ride-on lawn mower and killed so many faster than our little hands could save. One day, I rode by his house on my bicycle and his lawn was covered with a whole bunch of plastic pink flamingos. I always think there were 77, but at that age, I thought everyone with grey hair was 77. In the middle of all these was a big Happy Birthday Dad! sign. (Maybe thats where I got the 77, who knows.) I couldn't help but think to myself, that someone out there loved that man enough to cover his lawn with faded plastic birds to celebrate the day he became part of this world.

And then I thought it was funny that they embarassed him like that, because he deserved it.

Summer has arrived, or so it wants me to think, that tricky bastard.

Im counting the days once again.

I haven't done much at work these past days, there have been a few concerts I did lights for, but other than that, Im stuck in the office cleaning moldy beer shelves.

I left the black mold there.


Scotty loved all the books that I recommended, and even if he didn't, I wouldn't be offended.

I am swamped with having to wait. That's the worst. I've done my part, and now I have to sit patiently until they do theirs. How upsetting.

I have done some things though.
1. Write wedding speech X
2. Write FP script X
3. Arrange music for 30th
4. Write speech for 30th (wanting to pawn this off on Liam)
5. Have a meeting about catering tomorrow
6. Find somewhere to stay on 72
7. go home


Two things, I've done two things.

PS I don't want to do what I'm going to do, but I'll do it.

I just sent a guttural message to my living inspiration, Ryan Adams.
He will not respond, because I am a weak little idiot, and true people hate that.

I was reading about different things today, like the incorruptibles, equity feminism and the tree man. So many things in this world should be sought after, and looked into and examined, yet here I sit, April 19, snowed in, eating a damn delicious cake.

Is that what is to become of me? A fat, thoughtful, lonely, boring 30+ year old woman, philosophizing from her couch? I'd love a soapbox, but could it handle the weight?

The only way I stay agile and attentive is if I keep moving. I stay too long where ever I am, I'll have to keep moving.

I think Montreal and Newyork will do me good this year.

and maybe I should take up a hobby, like guitar, because that can easily lead you into a life, and that's all I need right now.

and maybe some new shoes and pants.

CHRIST MY LIFE IS GREY GREY GREY DULL DULL BORING WEEKENDS SUCK BACK TO WORK PLEASE

OH YES I do not have a weekend next week, I have a festival to attend and do stage construction and lighting and sound! Oh hello occupied time, I love you!

I am content for the moment.

Other people's lives make me feel more normal.


Back to work.

I made a thoughts account for my songs.

I haven't forgotten but I haven't put any effort towards it.

How come it's April and it doesn't feel like this year has started yet?

There's nothing to be lost for a lost cause.

I'll never know what I'll be until I am.

I think therefore I am does not apply in modern success.

My name is Lauren.

I am an adult and I still seek friendship in those that speak a silent language.

Like that little yellow motorcycle on the way home.

I could write for ages that I don't have

Theres no way of knowing if Im following a fad

Im stuck in waiting for something better to come

The moneys no good but I need it to run

I need some place to talk with others like me

who think and feel and see differently

people who see the rushes in slow motion

People who seek refuge by the ocean

I need myself and an outlet to let go

to the ones who understand and feel those cold winds blow

Isn't it unfortunate that we live out our lives as technicalities?

Sometimes I wonder wether it's worth pursuing anything with hopes of purity.

Its better when you don't stand up for fleeting emotions.

or is it? would you rather continue, or say that you've finally done something for what you believe, no matter what it was you believed?

I'm always exhausted.

I reach for affection sometimes.

These three months are a blip.

How many ways can I forget this?

Im the flat end of a battery.

Aren't all the oceans one? It makes me feel more insignificant that way. I like it.

I'm no fan of the holidays, and this program expands on it.

Is this just an excuse to stuff my body full of fat? I need no more of that

Im spoiled spoiled spoiled.

How exciting to talk to a hopeful friend.

My current occupation drains my life fuel. No more ducks.

Nostalgia stings. A throbbing wound. Amputation is the only way to stop the spread of infection, but who wants to shred the cushion?

I found this too.

Lauren 1 has decided to leave. It was eminent, I know.

I feel like loading bars are just measurements of how much of my life has been wasting away waiting for them.

The Ceramic Organ is always on my mind. Words, Words and more words keep coming to me and I feel I can use this as a muse for new lyrics.

Leaving him empty just because he's a man.

I don't rush, I don't hang up, I don't get upset at little things. I can't see their point of view.

How many times does one have to sit back and take it, just to please a stranger?

How many times will one have to wake up, knowing their morning routine involves melting a plastic smile to thier face?

How many times does one have to convince themselves to stay in an environment of lies and mistrust?

fuck this shit. I want to go home. I want to go to the city, where I am my own and no own can touch that. I want to go where I can live how I want to live and build myself upon it.

This is no break, this is a sentence.

Sev the cord. Just do it.

Im a fucking mess, Im disgusting.

It'll pass, these things always do. The seasons change but they always come back, and they usually change for the better.

This feeling is useless.

I highly dislike the feeling in my gut when I have to adjust to healthly choices

not good for my rotten soul.

Thank god this stagnant placing is coming to an end


When i die don't bury me at all
 just hang my bones up on the wall
 and under these bones let these words be scene
 here hang the bloody gears of a rockin machine
-David Walker

How many ways can one appreciate the present if the best of the past is blocking your view? I don't believe there are many.

I'm light and heavy at the same time. It pulls until I'm sick.

Only the redundant can persist